Cheapism / Amazon
The internet can be a strange and baffling place, and Amazon is no exception. Over the years, the ecommerce site's reviews have become a magnet for melodramatic outrage and deservedly off-the-wall humor, to the extent that it gets hard to tell who's being serious. The results are hilarious — and sometimes disturbing.
The Hutzler Banana Slicer is advertised as providing "a quick solution to slice a banana uniformly each and every time." The 7,000-plus customer reviews for this kitchen implement spoof its uselessness in bizarre yet creative ways.
"Saved my marriage. What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone ... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do!"
Many reviewers have a strange but seemingly sincere affinity for this useless gag gift, a plastic pickle that yodels — badly. It's been used as a children's toy, calmed an Alzheimer's patient, and reconnected family members.
"My son left for college without a backward glance at his heartbroken mother, and never called home. After several months of heartbreak and loneliness, I sent him the yodeling pickle. The results were astonishing: As soon as he received it, he called to ask why anyone would want a yodeling pickle? Thanks, Yodeling Pickle, your work is done."
Related: Fun and Hilarious Gag Gifts for Pranksters
Customer reviews for movies on Amazon can be notoriously one-sided. You can find both sneering reviews of beloved gems as well as glowing reviews of critical bombs. Here, for example, is an even-handed look at the Bond film "Skyfall," which took in $1.1 billion in worldwide, according to Box Office Mojo, and is rated 92 percent "Fresh" on Rotten Tomatoes.
"Sucky theme song equals sucky movie. Am I the only one that thought Adele sold out! The song is terrible. ... I have seen it and it had to be the worst Bond movie of all time. I didn't even watch the whole thing. I rented it on Amazon and talk about a waste of money. I want my money back. The time I don't care about since it was a snow day anyway."
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You might think no one would spend $150 on a 27-pound snake made of sugar and gelatin that'll only become slimy, hairy, and stale after the first day. Five "verified purchase" reviews for this gummy snake beg to differ.
"It was rather difficult to carry this on the train. You feel every single one of those 26.9 pounds. It was, however, a worthy endeavor; the snake has enough meat to satisfy an office for days, and the recipient was very excited. It is a worthy investment for snake lovers."
Nicolas Cage has become a cult hero for his unhinged acting style, so the reviews for a pillowcase bearing his shirtless likeness are as creepy as you might expect.
"I feel so protected knowing that Nicolas is in bed with me. This pillowcase is the first thing I see when I've awakened, and the last thing I see before I close my eyes for my deep slumber. The pure sexiness of this man's picture on your pillow will inspire you. Are you having relationship issues, family fights, or a crippling mental illness? Nicolas can ease the pain."
Buyer beware: Trying to control or even just run away from a 12-foot beach ball can get difficult in windy weather, this reviewer warns.
"Once it was completely blown up (about an hour and a half with a small air compressor), it bounced ... EVERYWHERE ... across people, picnic tables, a horse fence, the neighbor's yard, and INTO A FOUR-LANE HIGHWAY!!!!!!! My partygoer teens were trying to keep it from causing a pile-up in front of our house!"
Why pay $90 for a 9-inch wire pyramid? For meditation and healing purposes, of course — or for keeping produce fresh.
"Absolutely love my new copper pyramids!! I suspend them over my fresh fruits and vegetables. My produce keeps much longer with the pyramids above them!!!"
Related: 50 Food Storage Tips to Make Your Groceries Last as Long as Possible
The reviews for this tin of real uranium ore range from the obvious gags to the sincere recommendations of scientists experimenting with gamma radiation. This review lies somewhere between.
"This is probably the most pointless thing I've ever bought (and that is saying a lot). I had to have it, though. I wanted to be a nuclear power before Iran."
Sometimes bizarre reviews are left even for mundane products. Case in point: this user's excessive devotion to her QEP yellow sponges — or "friends," as she calls them.
"If I could give these sponges a million stars, I would. I love them so much I couldn't even bring myself to use them. I drew faces on them, and they are now my friends and I have a little over 40 sponges! I am soon ordering more."
As with many '90s relics, some people take their nostalgia for the sugar-packed, neon-green soft drink Surge to unsettling extremes.
"If you're bald, you'll grow hair. ... If you're crippled, you will now walk. if you have a dead loved one, they will now be resurrected."
Amazon isn't the first place you'd look for satire on the 2012 presidential election, but that didn't stop some customers from using reviews of an Avery three-ring binder to sound off on Mitt Romney's "binders full of women" faux pas.
"While this is a lovely, multi-purpose binder, IT DOES NOT COME WITH WOMEN. Presumably one is expected to find women on one's own, or contact women's groups who are supposedly eager to help stock your empty binder with women."
Related: 23 Infamous 'Hot Mic' Moments
Did you think no one would ever spend $27 on a vinyl decal depicting a woman using an inhaler? Think again.
"My husband and I have been arguing about what to fill the large wall on the stairs with for months. He wanted a mirror, I wanted a large image of an old woman using an inhaler."
There's a pattern here of consumer products surviving life-threatening incidents.
"Several weeks ago an 18-inch piece of steel flew through my front windshield as I was driving on a major New York highway. The steel piece landed on the Satechi mount ... Had the mount not been in position, I probably would not be writing this review!"
The frazzled author of this review uses a Japanese jar meant to contain screams of stress to cope with the fury that results from having useless coworkers.
"This sits on my desk in my office and is used daily. I lined it with toilet paper to assist in the silencing properties. I deal with several people who I can describe with several words, but the best one to summarize their being is: flat. No undulation, angle, depth, meaning, competence or purpose. Yet they have a job."
After Playmobil unveiled a playset depicting an airport security checkpoint, reviewers rushed to critique the toy and the TSA before it was discontinued. There's this example on racial profiling, and one review has two-thirds of the words blocked out as if by censorship.
"My son and I played with it a few times, but I didn't think he really understood how to work it. So I substituted the dad with my old Muhammad Ali action figure and instantly he took 20 extra minutes to get through."
This $10,000, 87-implement Swiss Army-style knife has spawned hundreds of Amazon reviews almost as absurd as the product itself.
"This would be a great product, but was dismayed to find it has no banana slicer — that's a deal breaker. Returning today."
This statement tee has a number of howlingly funny reviews, so we’ll assume this reviewer isn’t serious. We hope.
"Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather."
These pens are not currently available on Amazon, but the reviews will live on forever. This customer was tickled pink.
"I love BIC Cristal for Her! The delicate shape and pretty pastel colors make it perfect for writing recipe cards, checks to my psychologist (I'm seeing him for a case of the hysterics), and tracking my monthly cycle. Obviously, I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application, but BIC Cristal for Her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today!"
This reviewer may not be using this car desk tray as intended, but if you read the numerous questions from customers, he's not the only one.
"I just picked uuyp my laptop hoder from the post offfice and I'm driving home now. It's OK Iguess, but the bumpy road majkes it hard to type. And theree's a lot of pedeestrians and traffi c that keep distracti9ng me fromm my computer."
Who knew a simple cable link could incite such melodrama — perhaps that's the reason it's been discontinued? This reviewer had quite the saga.
"The minute I plugged this cable in, I knew something was amiss. The first evidence? The small wormhole that appeared in our living room, right next to our holstein cowhide recliner. Peering into it I could discern the snarling face of a Ferengi, likely somewhere out in the Gamma quadrant. Then things got really hairy. Brad shouted from the kitchen that he was detecting elevated tachyon levels from our Vita-Mix, so we immediately diverted power to our forward Romco Rotisserie array. Set it and forget it, indeed. Still no go. The wormhole continued to grow. So I did what anyone in this rather awkward situation would. I recalibrated our George Foreman Grill (about 10 picometers), ejected the warp core from our Dyson Ball Vac, and unplugged all the Magic Jacks in the house. Bingo. No more worm hole."
A horse is a horse, except when it’s … a dog?
"Unfortunately my home is too small for a real horse, and this poses a massive problem as I LOVE horses...THIS SOLUTION SAVED MY LIFE. By using this mask I was able to convert my dog in a horse. Life is great again."
The reviewer may have mistaken the objective of this book, but apparently it was still a win-win purchase.
"I live near a park and frequently walk around the local area. Given the amount of dog mess that is on the pavements I thought this book would be the ideal read to stop me having to scrape my shoes on the grass before going home. It was only after it arrived that I looked closely at the title and realized it said 'How to Avoid Huge SHIPS'. A simple error that means I am still treading on massive examples of canine excrement. Having said that, I read the book anyway, and I'm pleased to say I'm not even having near misses with huge ships anymore. No sir, they ain't getting anywhere near me!"
If you’re concerned about UFO abduction, this is not the machine for you.
"I don't know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn't work and I am still getting abducted by UFO's on a regular basis."
Be forewarned…this reviewer's life was ruined thanks to buying this product.
"At first I thought this product was wonderful, but oh how things change. Don't be deceived by the joyful picture, this is a hazardous product that should not be sold without severe warning. After a long day of being ridden by my children, I was grazing on some nearby greens when my daughter dropped a dish on the ground. It broke and the noise of it spooked me, causing me to rear back and kick my son in the head. Now he talks with a speech impediment and has a wonky eye. I haven't taken the Daddle off in 3 weeks because I can't face the reality of what I've done. My wife won't speak to me, I have badly infected rug burn on both of my knees, and I'm malnourished from eating nothing but carrots, although my eye sight has never been better. Damn you Daddle, you've ruined my life!!!!"
When it comes to white face paint reviews, multiple mimes can’t be wrong.
"My mime class went ape-crazy over this stuff. Comments ranged from "_________!" to "__________!!!". You've never seen people so excited."
This reviewer was disappointed this book wasn’t a bit more organized.
"Such a terrific reference work! But with so many terrific random digits, it's a shame they didn't sort them, to make it easier to find the one you're looking for."
If you're looking to read something with a surprise ending, this reviewer gives this book one star.
"This book is completely misleading. The entire plot revolves around finding Baby's belly button; the title makes this much clear from the beginning. However, there is no mystery. There is no twist. Baby's belly button is right where it's suppose to be, on Baby's stomach. Right where it clearly SHOWS you it is on the COVER OF THE BOOK."