Wilder Shaw / Cheapism
Little Debbie: To some, an infinite source of delicious treats. To others, a way to skip paying Hostess prices. The Little Debbie catalog is pretty dense, boasting about 75 different snacks, seasonal and with varying degrees of similarity. I am but one simple human body and cannot put 75 different Little Debbie desserts inside of it, but here are 20 of them, ranked from worst to best. I’m off for a six-mile run.
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Fig Newtons are very bad. That’s just the way it is. If Fig Bars are just second-rate Fig Newtons, then we’re in trouble. These things are doughy, dry, infinitely chewy, and full of what feels like decades-old fig jam. They’re also ... perforated? There is a clear line marking where you’re supposed to split the thing in half, but it’s not fully sliced clean. What’s that about?
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When you’re faced with a blue, white, and purple cake stuffed with sparkly strawberry filling, the result is just as much a challenge on the palate as it is on the eyes. The white coating around the cake bar is thinner than your average Hostess cupcake and the way it dissolves in your mouth upon contact is a nightmare. Stay far away from that strawberry filling.
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Basically, what tiny Deborah has done here is replaced all the good parts of a Swiss Roll with strawberry jelly. Gone is the chocolate, gone are rich, dark, cocoa flavors and whipped cream. Instead you’ve got processed strawberry goo, and it’s a tough pill to swallow, pun fully intended.
At first inspection, these look like brownies covered in sprinkles. Upon closer inspection, they are tiny little chocolate candies, much like M&M's. Upon even closer inspection, they are about a third the size of an M&M. Take a bite and you'll taste 0% of that crunchy morsel as they got lost in a wave of dense, rich, fudgy chocolate that seems to lack any sort of discernible flavor. These are not a good time.
When you’ve got no more powdered sugar to hide behind, and rather just a thin layer of overly sweet chocolate, you’ve got a Little Debbie chocolate mini doughnut. Entenmann's or Hostess is a better choice here.
It’s hard to review this food without offending somebody, and if Fancy Cakes are your jam, then I’m sorry for that. The trick is, this is the most boring dessert I can possibly fathom. White vanilla cake with white vanilla frosting can be outdone by just about everything. You know the phrase “vanilla,” meaning bland and boring? That phrase was probably invented after somebody tasted a Fancy Cake for the first time. Just about falling asleep even thinking about them.
Deb, where’s the cinnamon? Why did you make a cinnamon roll without cinnamon? Why would you make a product that looks exactly like a cinnamon roll if it’s something else? Honey Buns are very sweet, and too cakey, but there is an autumnal spice out there that would fix them right up. That spice is called cinnamon. It needs cinnamon. Have we mentioned cinnamon? Put some cinnamon in here, Debbie.
A very boring food by all means, but the addition of the chocolate stripes is crucial. They single-handedly save Zebra Cakes from the fate of No. 15. That said, they don’t quite taste like anything, and the truth is: Hostess has this cupcake-ish category locked down in a way Little Debbie could only dream of. Is it gross? No. Should you choose this over Hostess? Also no.
Powdered doughnuts, like cilantro, are highly divisive. Their powder is Hot Cheeto-esque in their stubbornness, and will cling to your fingers, never letting go. That’s the price you pay for a tiny doughnut covered in powdered sugar, and for the most part, it’s worth it. Across all brands, across all worlds, across all galaxies, this doughnut tastes exactly the same everywhere you go.
There’s really nothing wrong with these, but the other cookies in this series are simply better. It doesn’t say it in the name, but this is basically one of the creme pies, featuring a chocolate cookie hosting chocolate creme. This is a good call for somebody who wants chocolate but can get overwhelmed by rich desserts, as this is pretty light in flavor.
And speaking of poor execution, take a gander at these here Donut Sticks. Perfect for dunking, the package says, and it’s right. Coffee dunkers will be thrilled for this one, as long as they can shake the taste of a subpar doughnut that vibes a lot more like a pound cake than it does a doughnut. Is that lemon flavor?
“Can we combine Twix and Butterfingers?” somebody must have asked. That’s what a Peanut Butter Crunch Bar seems to be, which is a very good idea: chocolate crunchy cookie on the outside, and whatever the heck Butterfingers are made of on the inside. The one issue is that the filling isn’t exactly connected to anything, and just ends up rolling around in there, loose, like a little kid in a sleeping bag. Good call, poor execution.
This one is an absolute puzzler. For some reason or another, this tastes exactly like booze. It’s like hot, buttered rum or something, and since there is no alcohol listed in the ingredients, it begs the question: Is this a mistake? Is it a vanilla extract bomb? And yet, the most intriguing part is that it works. The cinnamon is a real nice touch, and one that Deb’s Honey Buns are very much lacking. This recipe feels like a packaged good-ified version of a restaurant dessert. Bizarre. Tasty.
Nutty Buddies are almost there. Chocolate covered wafers with peanut butter creme are hard to screw up, but these are just a little bit too big. A Kit Kat is just the right size, and this is at least double that. It’s heavy. The chocolate is also a little too thin, so you’re guaranteed to acquire some residue on your hands. If this is something you’re into, do yourself a favor and grab a Reese’s Stick.
There’s a lot to like about these mini muffins, starting from the fact that they come — and shout out to Lil Deb on this one, because it's true of every one of her snacks — individually wrapped. Each package contains a few muffins, and while they’re not perfect, they’re not bad. Perhaps they are a touch too sweet, and the blueberries are far too sticky, but overall this is a good junk food muffin. Nice and spongy, well sized, and perfectly portioned.
Here we go again with another creme pie, this time with oatmeal cookies and standard creme filling. An oatmeal cookie, as we all know, is not the heavyweight of the cookie fight, but it’s solid. That’s what these cookies are — solid, reliable, and tasty. And most important: There are no malicious raisins in sight.
Next up, it’s the cookie “creme pie” situation once again, but with Snickerdoodles and cinnamon-infused cream. There are also some crunchy cinnamon sugar morsels, which are a great texture to offset the cookie. Cinnamon Toast Crunch fans are gonna love this one.
Deb has one move that she’s used over and over again here, and that’s the combination of soft, chewy cookies with creme filling. They are essentially exactly the same thing, swapping cookies and cremes in and out to make different flavor combinations. Here, we’ve got peanut butter cookies (larger in size than most of the others) and peanut butter creme. And that’s always gonna be a winner.
If Little Debbie were a country, the Swiss Roll would be on the flag, right? This has to be one of her best-known hits, the “Free Bird” of her setlist. It is, no matter how you look at it or what other brands you compare it to, a piece of chocolate cake with whipped cream. You’re an android if you can’t find comfort in this type of food. Little Deb has shown some real restraint here: no sparkly unicorn glitter, no berry jams, just plain chocolate cake with creme filling. It’d take a lot to screw this one up.
This one was a bit of a surprise: Nowhere on the box does it lead you to believe you are about to enjoy a Rice Krispies Treat. Yet there it is, unmistakable after that first bite. Fans of Cocoa Krispies will be delighted to see the Star Crunch covered in caramely, chocolatey krispies, encasing stretchy, gooey marshmallow. Not a clue why this is called Star Crunch or why the branding seems to be space-themed, but it’s a banger and a welcome part of any pantry.
