Wilder Shaw / Cheapism
It can be nerve-wracking to venture outside of your lane when it comes to fast food, and that's probably because there's so much to lose. If you're stuck between order paralysis and wanting to try something new, it can leave you frozen.
Luckily, I'm not frozen, so I hit my local Burger King to break the cycle. I tried one of every type of hamburger they've got and ranked them based on taste.
Prices and availability are subject to change.
Price: $3.69
Less is usually more at a fast-food establishment. This guy is roughly half the size of a standard Whopper, and because the King ain't exactly dishing out Wagyu, that’s a good thing. I was very impressed with the quality of the bacon here, which remained crispy even through the drive home and the little photo shoot I did.
Another victory here is the well-proven combo of mayo and BBQ sauce. The burger is just small enough where its creamy splendor isn't’ too overwhelming. A tasty, albeit messy, fast food treat if there ever was one.
Price: $5.39
I assume that with the classic Whopper, Burger King is going for a backyard-BBQ kind of vibe, almost like like somebody’s dad grilled this up on the deck he's been "fixing" for the past five years.
That’s a very specific type of burger, full of charred flavor and the classic fixins on a sesame seed bun. Though this is not the ideal burger for me, the chain has replicated that kind of burger seamlessly, all the way down to the lack of patience shown when assembling it.
Price: $1.99
BK’s simple cheeseburger may not be the thing that chain will be remembered for, but it will definitely do in a pinch. The small size helps a lot. The real shame is that, try as might, I can’t help but compare it to the far superior McDonald’s cheeseburger.
Price: $7.29
If you’re very, very hungry and the only thing you’ve eaten for a month is plain pasta with butter, this is what you want. Flavor is bursting from every different orifice. It may in fact be a little too much; after my second bite, I was tapped.
Tasting the bacon alone, I noticed that it definitely carries the peppery sweetness of candied bacon, but at the end of the day, I’m not sure this is a good thing. Maybe this bacon is better left on its own. When eaten alongside the rest of the burger in a full bite, you can't really detect that it’s candied at all. The Candied Bacon Whopper is already such a decadent beast, that perhaps the switch to regular bacon might work in its favor.
Oh, and either slice the fried onion crunchies into longer pieces so they don’t slide out of the burger after every bite, or get rid of them all together.
Price: $1.89
As you can see, mine was poorly made. This burger is supposed to contain BBQ sauce and onion rings, though I just had the slightest suggestion of the sauce. Even if it were made well, though, I still don’t see this being the most effective sandwich. I like the size and the general western vibe Burger King is going for, but this really needs something else. A pickle would go a very long way.
Price: $7.39
The only time you need two patties on a burger, in my opinion, is when those patties are smashed to the width of a quarter or the beef is of exceptionally high quality. Not really the case with the Bacon King, believe it or not. What we’ve got is just a big ole’ stack of beef with not much to lubricate it.
It also doesn't help that there’s a deadly three-piece team consisting of the crumbly bun, cheese, and meat, all working together like Charlie’s food Angels to dry out your mouth. I’d really have to push myself to finish the whole thing.
Price: $6.39
I assure you, I’m not trying to be one of those people who thinks it’s fun and cool to dunk on vegans and vegetarians. It brings me no joy to hit the Impossible Whopper with a last-place ranking, but my hands are tied. I know I’ve had Impossible and Beyond meats several times in my life, and usually, my reaction is pretty mild. I’ve always thought they both tasted perfectly fine.
I don’t know what’s going on here. This patty doesn’t taste anything like I remember. It’s a lot more like a veggie burger than a meat substitute, which is fine (and in fact, I prefer it), but there’s something… sweet about it. It's unmistakable, and ketchup does not help to subdue it. The opposite, actually, so now you’ve just got some big sweet, chewy, mouthful of unplaceable flavors. I'm out on this one.
Looking for better vegetarian options? Here's where to find plant-based fast food
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