Miss, Miss, Bang, Bang: I Suffered Through 5 Flavors of Bang Energy Drink

Bang Energy Drink is everywhere. Even before Monster Energy Drinks acquired Bang, the die-hard fans sang the drink’s praises loud and proud. The beverage and its (now former) cult leader-esque CEO were even featured on the last season of "How To with John Wilson". 

But with over 30 flavors in rotation, which of them are worth a slice of your paycheck? I grabbed the five that were available at my local grocery store and tried them all. Here’s how they stack up, ranked from bad to the worst.

Big, fat disclaimer: I don’t like the taste of artificial sweeteners. For me, it’s grosser than gross, but it seems to be Bang's favorite flavor profile. If it doesn’t bother you, your Bang experience will probably be far more pleasurable than mine.

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I'm not the biggest blue raspberry fan, partially because such a thing does not actually exist. Blue raspberry-flavored things are generally too sweet for me, but this is weirdly not that way. It's far more mild than Cherry Blade Lemonade, that's for sure, and not even close to as gross as some of the others. I could see myself drinking one of these on a road trip if the gas station was sold out of Red Bull.

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This is salvageable. It's not amazing, but one can survive this. Rather than an unsettling energy drink taste, it's the lemonade flavor itself that gives me the jibblies. There’s a lime Rickey-type deal going on here. 

Or maybe it's the "cherry blade" that I'm tasting. Cherry blade? It should go without saying that I have no idea what a cherry blade is. Why is the word "blade" even here?

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“Actin' funny, but I don't know why.” Wait, yes I do: It's because I drank this grape Flintstones vitamin-flavored nightmare. If you like grape candy, you might like this.

Also: The “Fuel Your Destiny” thing that’s written across the top of every can is a no-go for me. In no way do I want my destiny linked to a beverage with a word like “razz” on it.

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I tried scouring the ingredients to find out what makes Peach Mango Bang taste so horrendous, but because I am not a professional chemist, I can make no sense of any of the words that are printed. There are flavors of peach somewhere in here, but mostly, all I can taste is artificial mango.

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For the record, I did not do that to the can. I bought it like that and do not make a habit of spiking energy drinks into the ground.

Here's a true story about what happened when I tasted this. I took a sip and almost instantly, I shouted out loud. The "blech" sound we all make when we don't like something was completely involuntary. It was fight or flight, and before my mind could catch up to my arms, they were dumping the entire thing into the sink. I think that’s just what your body does when it knows it’s being poisoned. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Thirsty for more energy drink taste tests? We also ranked Celsius Energy Drink flavors, Red Bull flavors, and Ghost Energy drink flavors to save you the trouble.