Price: $7.40 | Buy it at Target
Who doesn't want to dress like a royal? These paper dolls might be the next best thing, and they include the royal couple's engagement outfits, possible wedding attire, and even "the unicorn onesies we're sure they wear at home in their cottage." M'kaaaay.
Price: $20 | Buy it at Amazon
Since we're still sad that someone else snapped up Harry before we could, this replica of Meghan Markle's engagement ring can be a blingy balm for our wounded pride. Made from cubic zirconia and 14-karat gold- and rhodium-plated brass, it "glows with a warm golden radiance, giving this ring an aura of royalty."
Price: $17 | Buy it at Biscuiteers
Okay, we admit it: These Harry and Meghan gingerbread cookies are adorable. They're even hand-piped and packaged in hand-illustrated gingerbread house gift boxes. We'll let all the cuteness distract us from the gruesome moment we bite off those royal heads.
Price: $18.74 | Buy it at Etsy
Since our invitation must have gotten lost in the mail, these personalized gold-embossed replicas are the next best thing. They come complete with a gold outer envelope and postage envelope that looks like it came straight from Buckingham Palace.
Price: $5.95 | Buy it at Amazon
It's hard to figure out what a book of Sudoku puzzles has to do with the royal wedding, so we'll save you the trouble: Absolutely nothing. But in case anyone really needs the happy couple's faces on the cover of their puzzle book, well, this exists.
Price: $57.71 | Buy it at Etsy
This box of ring-shaped multigrain cereal is part of a limited-edition run. And it's hard to choose the best part: There's a bobble-head Queen Elizabeth that proclaims the cereal "royally good." There's the cut-out face masks on the back of the box. And there's the fact that half the profit goes to a charity that helps the homeless.
Price: $10 | Buy it at Barnes & Noble
We've got our Crayolas ready to go. This Harry and Meghan coloring book includes "beautiful and ready-to-color illustrations that capture the magic of their heartwarming love affair." If you scribble out Meghan's face in a couple of pages because you were clearly meant to be a princess instead, well, we won't tell.
Price: $8.50 | Buy it at Etsy
Want to be closer to Harry and Meghan? How about dangling their faces inches from your own? These laminate 3/4-inch earrings are sure to make a statement wherever they go. Will and Kate or Queen Elizabeth are available from the same Etsy seller.
Price: $35.75 | Buy it at We Built This City
Speaking of weird collectible plates, one of the more amusing royal-wedding tchotchkes is this souvenir marrying Meghan Markle off to another red-headed Brit: singer Ed Sheeran. Uhhh ... same difference, right?
Price: $14.29 | Buy it at Crown Jewels Condoms
Straight from the self-proclaimed "world's leading supplier of heirloom prophylactics," this box of four condoms will actually play "God Save the Queen" and "The Star-Spangled Banner" when it is opened. A certificate of authenticity is included, lest anyone fear receiving counterfeit royal condoms.
Price: $35.60 | Buy it at Teddy Maximus
Don't leave your pooch out of the festivities. Teddy Maximus, a London purveyor of posh pup accessories, has released embroidered neckerchiefs in honor of the big day. Also available? Royal doggy bowties and toy cushions.
Price: $38.95 | Buy it at Amazon
These life-size cutouts have been outselling Queen Elizabeth, Mickey Mouse, Wonder Woman, Donald Trump and Darth Vader on Amazon. Made of heavy-duty cardboard, they come with an easel but can also be mounted on a wall or door to give guests an appropriately royal greeting.
Price: $27.33 | Buy it at Etsy
It's stiff competition for the most bizarre Harry and Meghan item, but these wooden spoons might take the cake (and make it, too). Pictures of our favorite royals are burned onto the spoons with a laser, ready to stir up soups, stews, and other fare for us lowly commoners.