15 Things to Never Do When Ordering Coffee

We enter into a social contract when ordering coffee, especially in the morning, on our way to work. The customer promises to order efficiently and get out of the barista’s hair, and the barista promises to minimize chit-chat. We get our coffee, they say thank you, and we leave. Perfection.

Sadly, some people out there don’t know the rules that are in place for coffee shop customers, and they gum up the works for the rest of us. 

For those fine people, we present this tidy list of 15 things you must never do when ordering coffee, lest you find yourself ejected from polite society. 

The people behind you have places to be and coffee to drink. The barista is probably working against a timer. How can you contribute constructively to this state of affairs? Come in knowing what you want already. 

Baristas don’t know every secret drink. Some of them might not know any secret drink. If you want something custom that you saw on TikTok while you were supposed to be working, do your due diligence and learn the ingredients and preparation, and don’t just say, “I want that purple thing I saw the other day on that platform.” 

Coffee shops are loud. You may have noticed this when you went in every weekday morning before work. Speak up so your barista doesn’t have to ask you to repeat yourself, and so the people waiting in line behind you aren’t fantasizing about punishing your soft-spoken demeanor with a good talking-to. 

Hanging around anywhere with heavy foot traffic is a stupid idea, but people keep doing it anyway. For example, the place where people pick up their custom drinks? Your loitering is not needed there. Also, when your drink is ready, they will call your name, so sit down in an out-of-the-way place and wait until they call you. 

For some, getting coffee at a place like Starbucks seems unnecessarily convoluted and baffling. Why must we say “venti” or “drip” when we just want coffee? While your exasperation is understandable, Starbucks has been ubiquitous in everyone’s lives for decades now, and by now, you should know that your longing for the good old days when you could say “just coffee” will not be rewarded. So take five minutes to learn how to ask for “just coffee” in Starbucks language. 

Everyone knows Starbucks is not cheap. Those of us of a certain age can even remember when a cup of coffee was 25 cents, with endless refills. Well, those days are over, and the $5 cup of coffee is just a fact of life. Please adapt to this reality instead of complaining to the barista about the price since the barista probably makes less money than you do. 

Custom orders are acceptable, but come on. Keep it simple for the 15 people behind you who are also late for work, just like you. Better yet, order ahead on the app, and then no one has to hear your voice at all! 

The baristas are cranking out drinks as fast as humanly possible, and as mentioned previously, they are not being paid a king’s ransom for doing it. While you can’t get them raises, you can undoubtedly withhold your complaint that your standard two-minute wait time took four minutes instead. When they’re busy, they’re busy, and you’re not getting out of there any faster by complaining. 

Starbucks lingo may be confusing, but please commit this small nugget of information to memory. Within the hallowed halls of The House That Schultz Built, "Grande" means medium, not large. Yes, we know that in your seventh-grade Spanish class, it meant “big,” but you’re an adult now and can handle information of this type. 

Here’s another one where you’re much better off using the app. If your drink has multiple ingredients, deal with it ahead of time instead of making 20 cars line up behind you and honk. Or park your car and go inside. You have numerous options in this situation, so please avail yourself of them. 

It’s okay not to be a coffee expert. It’s okay to ask for help. What’s not okay is saying something like, “I’ll have a grande espresso macchiato latte,” to demonstrate your mastery of the menu items. No one is impressed (even when you get it right), and honestly, you sound like a school kid giving an oral report on a book he didn’t read. 

It shouldn’t even need to be said in this day and age, but no one wants you to pay for anything with pennies. It’s not because the low-denomination coin is somehow beneath the dignity of the barista who must handle them. It’s because the people behind you don’t want to stand there while you make the poor barista who’s just trying to pay for college count 485 pennies for your stupid drink. 

While it’s de rigeur for restaurants to clean off tables after a party leaves the premises, coffee shops like Starbucks don’t have the staff to clean up spent straw sheaths you couldn’t be bothered with tossing. Leave the space nice for the next person by taking your one item of garbage that weighs less than an ounce and putting it in one of the clearly marked garbage cans. Really, it's not that hard. 

This one is evergreen and not limited to coffee shops, but it’s also worth mentioning here. If someone is seated at a table and looks like they’re in the final stretch of consuming their goods, don’t hover over them like a circling vulture waiting to dine on a deceased elk. Everyone hates it when someone does this to them. Find a different spot or take your drink to get out. 

Nowadays, we all expect to be treated like special snowflakes on the verge of being triggered by the slightest infraction. One such trigger, apparently, is having one’s name misspelled at Starbucks, which seems to drive some customers right over the edge. Listen, it happens, and if the worst thing that happened to you today is that someone spelled your name with one “L” instead of two, you got off easy. So stop complaining.