It seems that Taco Bell is starting to tone it down. The fast food chain has simplified its breakfast situation quite substantially, as its done in recent years with a menu overhaul that discontinued dishes like the Enchirito, the Volcano Taco, and the Quesarito (though the Quesarito is sometimes still available via the app). And to promote the revamped Taco Bell breakfast menu, they’ve brought Pete Davidson — who has made a Herculean effort to remain in the center of our attention every second of every day — into the mix via a series of ads.
“Apologizing” for past Taco Bell breakfast items like Waffle Tacos and Crunchwraps with breakfast gravy, Davidson spends one of the ads meandering through a Taco Bell outpost in Slim Shady-haired fashion. He explains that the new Taco Bell breakfast menu is a lot more simple now. (He neglects to mention that a few of these items come with steak and Creamy Jalapeño sauce.) This is Taco Bell's way of connecting to normal people. Via Pete Davidson.
The internet didn’t love it. It’s not hard to see why, considering in each of the ads Davidson acts like he doesn't want to be there and calls the Crunchwraps “crunch things.” People want to see themselves reflected in a commercial; they want to watch themselves enjoying the restaurant. People don’t want to be Pete Davidson.
“Anyone who talks with their mouth full should be ashamed of themselves, and the fact that Pete Davidson willingly did it on camera makes it even worse,” one Reddit user writes. Says another user, “I’m so freaking sick of it. Like idc about him but just seeing the ad so many times makes me hate him when I have no thoughts or care about him in the first place.”
Dang, Pete. The hate runs deep, eh? Because I’m a professional, and Davidson’s spell is real, I hit the nearest Taco Bell and ran through the simplified breakfast menu. Here’s a look at five Taco Bell breakfast dishes to try — or skip.
Breakfast Crunchwrap (Sausage)
Price: $3.89
Calories: 730
Rating: 4/5
The “crunch thing,” unsurprisingly, is the best of the newbies. It’d honestly be embarrassing if it wasn’t, as they are the entire focus of the ads. The Breakfast Crunchwrap is pretty good — the eggs are fluffy and the sausage patty works well — but there’s definitely room for improvement. The element of “crunch” isn’t really alive, unless that’s supposed to come from the hash brown (it won’t, as it’s steaming itself out of crispiness inside that tortilla). It also comes with Creamy Jalapeño sauce, which is probably not in the running for a “simplified” breakfast. Rather than any of Taco Bell’s signature sauces, how about some classic salsa fresca? Maybe some pico de gallo? Let’s brighten this thing up and make it taste like breakfast.
Grande Toasted Breakfast Burrito (Steak)
Price:$4.19
Calories: 570
Rating:3/5
I honestly did not expect to like this one as much as I did. It’s a decadent little torpedo, jammed with eggs, cheese, steak, tomato, and potato. Not to mention the tortilla. It’s shockingly still less calories than a Crunchwrap which is an unsettling mystery, but this guy is heavy. The first few bites really hit — that steak is far more tender than it has any right to be — but to finish one is an entirely different story, as it clocks in at about double the size of the smaller Toasted Burritos. To start your day with one of these mamas is a real statement. Simply unsustainable.
Cheesy Toasted Breakfast Burrito (Sausage)
Price: $1.29
Calories: 350
Rating: 2/5
And here we have the low point. This isn’t too far off from the big bad Bell’s Cheesy Bean & Rice burrito, in that it’s a little too small and a little too filled with nothing at all. They could easily pack this thing tighter and lose the empty-air-tortilla spaces. It tastes like the same cheese, too, more nacho-cheesy than melted-cheesy. To add to the clunkiness, the sausage crumbles don’t work as well as a whole patty does. In fact, this burrito is a lot like the breakfast burrito that McDonald’s serves, and I gotta tell ya … it ain’t as good.
Breakfast Quesadilla (Bacon)
Price:$3.19
Calories: 510
Rating: 3/5
Here’s a shocker for fast food: This quesadilla actually contained more bacon than the promotional art suggests. That’s a first in my experience, and it’s a major leg up for this quesadilla. Of everything that Taco Bell has going on in its newly simplified breakfast menu, this tastes the most like actual breakfast. This is something a human being might actually want in the morning on purpose: tortilla, eggs, cheese, and bacon. A little fresh salsa would go a long way.
Cinnabon Delights
Price: $1.89
Calories: 160
Rating: 2/5
It hurts me, deep in my bones, to give something with Cinnabon’s name on it a two out of five. The truth is, they’re a cinnamon roll joint. They’re not a donut shop. The creme filling inside these “hot” cinnamon donuts may be intended to resemble the Cinnabon icing, but it’s not even close; it's more like the filling you’d get inside of a cream puff if you popped it in the microwave. These are not a delight. A real Cinnabon is a delight. You should get one of those.