Cheapism / Miller Light / Grey Poupon
Ah, the '80s, a time some of us remember fondly or not at all. But if you remember anything beyond the brief, awful neon clothing trend, Izod shirts with designer jeans, and bad hair of all sorts, it's probably the commercials. Some were awful, but some were brilliant.
Here are a few we can't shake.
This funny commercial starred Clara Peller as a pint-sized drive-thru harridan, demanding beef and not getting it from fictional fast-food places. Wendy's, of course, has the beef. About a billion bad jokes were born of this ad.
It's sort of strange for a polar bear to be telling us about his conflict over picking wine coolers, but it gets much, much weirder when the polar bear removes his head to reveal he's really Vincent Price, spooky king of horror TV and film. He died less than a decade later, so maybe the indignity of wearing a polar bear costume while shilling for wine coolers was quickly forgotten. We hope so. If it makes any difference, punk/disco icon Grace Jones suffered through the same ad in a slightly more fashionable polar bear suit.
This one has a lot of baseball players, goofy music, and Rodney Dangerfield. The important takeaway? The catch phrase: "Tastes great. Less filling." Different versions of this ad were available for years, so apparently stupid sells.
McDonald's went full Muppet for this ad, which features the Hamburglar trying to make off with adorable talking hamburgers. Anyone miss McDonald's weird bunch of misfits (a clown, a purple glob that might be a tastebud, a little burglar and a mayor who happens to be a cheeseburger) or is that just me?
Talk about ear worms. Even if you didn't want to hum along to "The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup," good luck. It can sneak up on you, if the soothing hillside and leisurely easing into the morning routine doesn't already make you vulnerable to a catchy song.
These ball-munching hippos are still around (I have this game in my house) and it's just as intense as ever, meaning surprisingly stressful for a kids game that requires no skill beyond beating a plastic toy over and over again.
Yes, a giant pitcher of red liquid was a character. He didn't do the "oh, yeah" as he burst through a wall in this ad (the "oh, yeah" came earlier), but I guess his defining lingo while destroying something came later, when it was determined Kool-Aid was the beverage of stoners or something.
This is more of an ad for water skiing than gum, this commercial is really more about really good-looking people getting wet, but they also seem to like gum. So there's that. To be honest, this is not one of the commercials anyone recalls fondly from the '80s. Or recalls at all.
Ah, the bizzaro commercials of the '80s are always memorable even if they're not great. This woman is singing crazily in a recording studio, then a microphone is showering her with water, and then we find out soap leaves a film Zest doesn't (um, really?), and then she's singing crazily in a recording studio again. I would have loved to be in on the planning sessions for this commercials, except I suspect the executives were doing a lot of drugs.
Boxer Marvin Hagler dressed as a proper English gentleman and spoke at length about body odor. It was funnier in the '80s, I guess, because the deoderant brand made a series of similar ads starring brawlers like Hulk Hogan.
Remember when buying stuff at your regular grocery store could be considered fancy? This mustard even has wine! Wow! In the 21st century, Grey Poupon might want to do something else, like infuse their mustard with cannabis and make a commercial with Megan Thee Stallion or something. These musty old white dudes do not age well, mustard or no mustard. And why are they eating in the back of a car?
This commercial is proof positive that people aged differently in the '80s. A woman who looks near retirement age challenges us to guess her age. Um, have you forgotten how old you are, lady? No, she thinks we will guess that she looks younger than she is, because she uses Oil of Olay. When she confesses her real age — 45 — think I spit out my coffee because I thought she was much older. Like, 20 years older. To be clear, that had nothing to do with her skin. I'm sure her complexion was great (the video is very fuzzy, so it's hard to know).The beige turtleneck with matching slacks (and those are definitely slacks, not pants) along with helmet hair were incredibly aging, and the fact she sounded like the mom in a '50s sitcom didn't help. Sorry, Oil of Olay.
I'm not sure, but I think this commercial is vaguely offensive. We have a rich guy who might be a Texas oil man, a ballerina, and what appears to be a Japanese... karate master? No idea. But all of these adults are at some point transformed into children, which gets the point across. Eating sugary cereal that isn't good for you appeals to your inner child, so by all means, give in to that impulse.
I can't focus on the body spray because I can't stop staring at the guy's bad, bad hair. Tear it off your head bad. I had to watch this again, but this time all I noticed was her god-awful dress. Were the 80s this ugly? Anyway, apparently spraying yourself all over with this stuff would get a guy with bad hair to chase you down with a bouquet, which you might like?
I guess all cats during the '80s looked like Garfield? Apparently. This is an ad that ages... I don't want to say well, but it's okay, I guess? That jingle, though. It's annoying but now I can't stop singing it, so well done, Crave. Well done.
I think I'm starting to get used to '80s commercials, because this isn't the worst. Though the mom and dad have the same hairstyle. But I don't think anyone is that excited about Hamburger Helper. Look, Mom, something you threw together to make a fast dinner because of course you did! And it's almost over when the talking hand appears. And that thing, which does not have enough fingers, is kinda scary. Those fingers just wave around like hand hair and, man, it gives me the willies. Not cute, not cute at all.
Okay, this is basically a father and son going to the zoo and eating Ruffles potato chips. And some of the animals turn red for no specific reason, and the tigers move in syncopation, also for no reason. There is also someone singing who sounds like Dr. John but absolutely isn't. This is one of those ads that you wouldn't really watch in the '80s but later you might want some potato chips.
Before there was "Friends," there was ketchup. This is worth watching to see Matt LeBlanc not playing Joey but... well, someone sort of Joey-like. It doesn't seem totally out of character for Joey to tip a bottle of ketchup out of a window to coat his hot dog on the ground floor. These days, he'd be doing it for TikTok and have a million followers, so this seems innocent by comparison.
Honestly, this still works. The sound of a bottle of soda being opened and consumed when the weather is hot? Even if the technology has changed and. you could play the sound on your phone, this does the trick.
Before "Perfect Strangers," Mark Linn-Baker starred in this commercial with an actress I've seen everywhere but cannot place (and will be shamed when someone points out who this is). This commercial is a little sad because it takes place in a newspaper bullpen, and most newspapers have been run out of existence or are websites now. Nutri-Grain cereal is gone, too, (at least in the United Statees — they still sell it in Australia and New Zealand) but you can still get Nutri-Grain bars and cookies.